If pain, betrayal and abandonment can pass through generations, so can love, connection and presence.
GIFTS get passed, too!
Heeeyyyy, let's chat!
My old dating profile post-divorce used to say something
like "I am a walking/talking contradiction of myself...and I
like spicy food." I thought the contradiction part was
a flaw so I put it out there so 'they' knew what
they were getting into. I thought it was a signal
to show that I am well aware that I am 'broken' and
something is 'wrong' with me.
BUT that I also like spicy food and have
a sense of humor, so HA! Consider yourself warned!
I met some interesting folks, but being totally
yourself is self-confronting to others.
And so once again, I shoved that *ish all the way down.
So, no sooner did I stick that freak flag in the ground,
kicking and screaming, committed to being FULLY myself
(not saying that anyone else cared, but the renegade in me
was having a moment)...and then, I. SHUT. IT. DOWN.
Like, whoa. Wait, what??
It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that I was also grieving myself and a lot of stuff was getting kicked up into high gear.
And so, ding-ding-ding! Ring on the self-sabotage bell.
Ring. The f*ck. ON.
And ring, it did.
It wasn't just dating post-divorce and solo motherhood. I had also started a business with a few product lines. So the wild part is that I was actually in a season of totally celebrating all the facets of me and the freedom to tap into the creative energy that had been burning a hole in my soul since I was like, 3? And enjoying my littles. And grieving. And suffocating. And then, I crashed.
It didn't happen all at once. It took its sweet-ass time. So, to keep busy during my complete and utter self destruction, I hustled hard. I worked harder, parented harder, created harder, ran harder, boot-camped harder, broke down harder.
But I also did "all the right things". I took that time to get therapy, get coaching, stay active, meditate, reach out for help and solutions on how to fix all of my broken-ness.
I spent all of my resources...my time, attention, energy, money & effort on
self-improvement, self-development, coping strategies, self-care and more
because I. WAS. DEDICATED.
Until things come to a screeching halt.
I'm not talking about rock bottom or the rug getting pulled out from under you.
Screeching. F*ing. Halt.
For me, my L5 vertebrae was destroyed by a tumor that also caused massive nerve damage, serious autoimmune and metabolic chaos, and a host of physical issues no one seems to have answers for. Completely sidelined.
EVERYTHING flipped upside down and it turns out your childhood adversities and traumas, parental estrangement, efforts, accomplishments, desires, intentions, successes, failures..blah, blah, blah....mean very little (in this context) when your body is failing and cannot function physically (and emotionally) and you can no longer support yourself and your children.
Out of chaos came clarity. I made a decision that completely changed everything. It was a slow lead up and then it hit all at once,
"this is NOT it, and the rest of it all stops NOW."
Everything cleared out of the way and I intuitively knew that the top-down approach had pushed dysfunction deeper and deeper into my body. The anger, betrayal, and abandonment was self-rage over my self-betrayal and self-abandonment.
I knew I was NOT going to go back to living life on those terms. Like, ever. And I was ready to face what that meant and what changes and consequences came with my decision. I knew it was going to be messy, and it was. BUT, here I am.
I didn't know how yet, but I knew I had to flip the switch to fully support my body on a cellular level. It was a non-negotiable. (FALL IN LOVE with your nervous system!)
I had to access a bottom-up approach that allows us to STOP chasing after symptoms to "fix" (behaviors, habits, mindsets, thoughts, feelings, emotions, meanings), fully access our own unique power and emerge deeply nourished as the authentic impact creator we're called to be. (EXPRESS YOURSELF)
Because what was absolutely and abundantly clear to me, more than ever before, was that there was NOTHING wrong with me and I had so much more in me to GIVE. And despite all of my efforts, I had barely made any true impact. But I had certainly felt the expense of being misunderstood. (PARTNER UP with your core self.)
I had lived my entire life believing I was utterly broken with a raging flame of passion burning inside and somewhere deep down I KNEW my life here meant something and I could create more meaningful impact. And because I related to myself in that way, I related to EVERYTHING else around me that way. So I had tons of evidence of my brokenness! And tons of evidence of deep appreciation and gratitude. Like I said at the very beginning....I am a walking/talking contradiction.
So as it turned out, the same efforts I was using to desperately try to "fix" everything wrong with me was the same thing causing deep, physical nervous system dysfunction to the point of destroying some major body systems.
The good news is that the answers to so much of this existed in studies and research and were easily accessible.
The challenge was to distill it down to an approach that could be easily understood and simple to implement so that I could regain momentum without adding more injury to my already fragile (like flower AND like bomb!) system.
I learned quickly that there is no gap between where we are and where we want to be. It's an illusion. It's a story, a conversation, and something we love to believe in because that's how we are perfectly wired.
The harder we try to manipulate it, fill it, overcome it, the more lost we get and the more misunderstood we feel. Sure, we may find some clarity and relief in some areas along the way, but our brains and our wiring are tools of perfection that do NOT require the heavy lifting we've been lead to believe.
And in that perfectly hardwired state, we rebound. We're supposed to. It's not beliefs, limitations and mindset. (symptoms, symptoms, symptoms...) It's physics. It just is! You gotta get in there and build from the bottom-up, not chase from the top-down. THAT'S where EASE is. I am not saying easy, I'm saying ease vs. dis-ease.
I also learned that the true gritty work happened when all the spectators left. Integrating with ourselves and the systems we live with (family system, social, community, our livelihood) can take its toll. That's when we need the most ease and support. It's the after, after, after, after party. And that's when you're left naked with your truth. And it's so f*ing beautiful!
I learned accountability feels different than responsibility.
EASE feels different than resilience.
And appreciation feels different than gratitude.
The difference was allowing the experience of ownership rather than something that happens as a result of constantly overcoming ourselves, defending ourselves, explaining ourselves, justifying ourselves.
And I learned I am NOT alone in this.
Do you feel this?
If you're not getting the outcome
you intended, something is mucked up with the connection to self, the integration of your
connection to self with the present moment, or both. Maybe it's time to turn sh*t upside down.
My commitment to this approach started out as a mission to support others through similar side-lining medical experiences, but now I've dedicated my life's work to researching and studying the bodies of work of people much smarter and much more qualified than me, distilling it down into an approach that is easy to implement and holds significant structural integrity, and put it to the test by integrating into my every day life.
BECAUSE I want to share this level of empowerment, that I can't even fully express in words.
I took everything in my life's experiences, all of my traumas, all of my adversities and positive experiences, my mindsets and beliefs, resilience and weakness...threw it into this approach and tested, broke, rebuilt, re-tested, etc. over and over again.
Slowly but surely self-trust appeared and uncertainty was no longer a minefield. When I was able to find safety in my body, in the present moment, and was able to live from that place...that's when my life truly began. Now, I walk this walk every day.
We need you showing up & fully expressing yourself in your area(s) of impact, now more than ever.
I know from this experience, combined with the 4 decades of living in various states of internal chaos while searching for healing, that reconnecting to yourself on this level is a HUGE experience in expansion. Going through it can leave us feeling lonely, isolated and misunderstood. It can be a painful and grueling grieving experience. But that doesn't change the sense of urgency you feel for this level expansion and full self-accountability and self-leadership.
I also know that my greatest impact is made by being fully present with compassion for other self-leaders as they emerge the deeply nourished, radically aligned, authentic impact creators they are called to be. So I'm here to offer you a support system I built from years and years of validated research and studies from some pretty rad smarties that made my transformation possible. And I'm here to have fun together while we get sh*t done!